How to manage your anger
If you feel angry, don't direct your anger towards other people
Many people have trouble managing their anger and this can have an impact on friendships, personal relationships and work relationships. It can also affect the way people feel about themselves.
I don?t think of myself as an angry person - but sometimes I suddenly lose my temper over some little thing. Then, I say and do really hurtful things, and when I?ve calmed down again I hate myself.?
Feeling angry isn't wrong
Anger is a natural response to feeling attacked, injured or violated. It's part of being human. We know from research that it can help us survive, giving us the strength to fight back or run away when attacked or faced with injustice. In itself, it's neither good nor bad, but it can be frightening to you and to others ? so it's important to stay in control.
Angry feelings can lead to destructive and even violent behaviour. The way we express those feelings is influenced by the way we are brought up and our cultural background. If, as children, we have witnessed parents? or other adults? anger when it was out of control, then that will affect the way we act - but it is still never an excuse for unacceptable behaviour.
When something makes you angry, you become excited - full of energy, alert, ready for action. The hormone adrenalin pumps round your body, preparing for fight or flight. The tension that builds up is released when you express your anger. The release is good for you, helping to keep body and mind in balance and defuse stress. The key is expressing it in a way that doesn?t hurt others.
How can suppressed anger affect us?
If the build-up of tension can be released ? through actions, words or relaxation techniques ? it passes quickly. But just bottling up your feelings because you do not feel able to express them means the energy has to go somewhere. It may turn inwards and have very negative effects, physically and mentally.
Some research has found that people who either bottle up their frustrations or are prone to explosive outbursts, are at least three times more likely to have unsatisfying careers - as well as severely inhibited personal and social lives. The lesson is to channel your emotions. Some of the physical effects include digestive problems, high blood pressure, heart and circulatory problems and a reduced immune system (making you more likely to catch infections and less likely to recover from illness).
Psychological effects of suppressed anger can include impaired mental health, behavioural problems (notably bullying) and even substance abuse. All of these can damage relationships with other people, and this is likely to lower your self-esteem and make you more depressed.
Finding a positive way to express anger
You need to be able to recognise when you are feeling angry and learn either to express it in appropriate language, not violent words or actions, or diffuse the emotion through relaxation techniques. Expressing anger assertively can:
Benefit relationships and self-esteem allow deeper communication and intimacy defuse tensions before they get to explosion point help you keep physically and mentally healthy.
If you have spent a lifetime simply squashing your feelings, it will take time and effort to get into the habit of expressing anger in an assertive non-aggressive way. The following suggestions have been shown to help:
Be assertive: Learn about anger and assertiveness. If you have a particular problem around anger and assertiveness, you could find an assertiveness training or other personal development group.
Let off steam: Exercise increases our self-esteem, as well as fitness. Find pleasurable ways to let off steam involving vigorous physical activity - dancing, jogging, or whatever you enjoy. This will prevent tension building up in your body in a destructive way.
Nurture your self-esteem: Treat yourself kindly and give yourself regular treats (covered a couple of articles ago).
Know your own anger patterns: Get to know your own pattern of behaviour. Identify your main trigger points and watch out for them. Develop strategies for behaving differently when your anger is triggered.
Deal with angry feelings: Stop and think, if at all possible! Count to ten before you say anything.
Walk away from situations: If you are so angry you can hardly speak, then walk away from the situation. Go away somewhere to calm down. If you feel the desire to lash out, punch a cushion or shout to release tension ? don?t direct your anger towards other people.
Telling someone you are angry with them: Following these tips won't mean you never get angry, but it will help you feel better about yourself and more in control:
Get clear in your head what you are going to say and what you want to happen
set the scene. Choose a time and place where the other person is more likely to listen and hear what you have to say, and where you won?t be disturbed choose a setting that allows you to both feel equal. It helps to sit in chairs of the same height, or both stand up if you are similar height keep your body language assertive- alert, relaxed, with direct eye contact and your feet firmly on the floor keep breathing! This will help you to keep calm.
Be specific. Say, ?I feel angry with you because...? This avoids attaching blame, and shows that you are taking responsibility for your half of the problem. The other person is less likely to feel attacked.
Listen to the other person?s response, and try to understand their point of view.
Whatever the outcome, thank the person for listening.
Give yourself a pat on the back for managing your anger assertively!
Many people have trouble managing their anger and this can have an impact on friendships, personal relationships and work relationships. It can also affect the way people feel about themselves.
I don?t think of myself as an angry person - but sometimes I suddenly lose my temper over some little thing. Then, I say and do really hurtful things, and when I?ve calmed down again I hate myself.?
Feeling angry isn't wrong
Anger is a natural response to feeling attacked, injured or violated. It's part of being human. We know from research that it can help us survive, giving us the strength to fight back or run away when attacked or faced with injustice. In itself, it's neither good nor bad, but it can be frightening to you and to others ? so it's important to stay in control.
Angry feelings can lead to destructive and even violent behaviour. The way we express those feelings is influenced by the way we are brought up and our cultural background. If, as children, we have witnessed parents? or other adults? anger when it was out of control, then that will affect the way we act - but it is still never an excuse for unacceptable behaviour.
When something makes you angry, you become excited - full of energy, alert, ready for action. The hormone adrenalin pumps round your body, preparing for fight or flight. The tension that builds up is released when you express your anger. The release is good for you, helping to keep body and mind in balance and defuse stress. The key is expressing it in a way that doesn?t hurt others.
How can suppressed anger affect us?
If the build-up of tension can be released ? through actions, words or relaxation techniques ? it passes quickly. But just bottling up your feelings because you do not feel able to express them means the energy has to go somewhere. It may turn inwards and have very negative effects, physically and mentally.
Some research has found that people who either bottle up their frustrations or are prone to explosive outbursts, are at least three times more likely to have unsatisfying careers - as well as severely inhibited personal and social lives. The lesson is to channel your emotions. Some of the physical effects include digestive problems, high blood pressure, heart and circulatory problems and a reduced immune system (making you more likely to catch infections and less likely to recover from illness).
Psychological effects of suppressed anger can include impaired mental health, behavioural problems (notably bullying) and even substance abuse. All of these can damage relationships with other people, and this is likely to lower your self-esteem and make you more depressed.
Finding a positive way to express anger
You need to be able to recognise when you are feeling angry and learn either to express it in appropriate language, not violent words or actions, or diffuse the emotion through relaxation techniques. Expressing anger assertively can:
Benefit relationships and self-esteem allow deeper communication and intimacy defuse tensions before they get to explosion point help you keep physically and mentally healthy.
If you have spent a lifetime simply squashing your feelings, it will take time and effort to get into the habit of expressing anger in an assertive non-aggressive way. The following suggestions have been shown to help:
Be assertive: Learn about anger and assertiveness. If you have a particular problem around anger and assertiveness, you could find an assertiveness training or other personal development group.
Let off steam: Exercise increases our self-esteem, as well as fitness. Find pleasurable ways to let off steam involving vigorous physical activity - dancing, jogging, or whatever you enjoy. This will prevent tension building up in your body in a destructive way.
Nurture your self-esteem: Treat yourself kindly and give yourself regular treats (covered a couple of articles ago).
Know your own anger patterns: Get to know your own pattern of behaviour. Identify your main trigger points and watch out for them. Develop strategies for behaving differently when your anger is triggered.
Deal with angry feelings: Stop and think, if at all possible! Count to ten before you say anything.
Walk away from situations: If you are so angry you can hardly speak, then walk away from the situation. Go away somewhere to calm down. If you feel the desire to lash out, punch a cushion or shout to release tension ? don?t direct your anger towards other people.
Telling someone you are angry with them: Following these tips won't mean you never get angry, but it will help you feel better about yourself and more in control:
Get clear in your head what you are going to say and what you want to happen
set the scene. Choose a time and place where the other person is more likely to listen and hear what you have to say, and where you won?t be disturbed choose a setting that allows you to both feel equal. It helps to sit in chairs of the same height, or both stand up if you are similar height keep your body language assertive- alert, relaxed, with direct eye contact and your feet firmly on the floor keep breathing! This will help you to keep calm.
Be specific. Say, ?I feel angry with you because...? This avoids attaching blame, and shows that you are taking responsibility for your half of the problem. The other person is less likely to feel attacked.
Listen to the other person?s response, and try to understand their point of view.
Whatever the outcome, thank the person for listening.
Give yourself a pat on the back for managing your anger assertively!